“You are not required to set yourself on fire, to keep other people warm”

Have you had the chance to read Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie? IF not, I highly recommend this book for every human on this planet. I believe that we all in some way have the tendency to carry some codependent behavior, it just depends on how extreme we allow it to fall on the spectrum.

Melody’s definition of a codependent:

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

Now you may be just the first part of this sentence, or all of it. Either way, it is important to recognize where we do this behavior. It can be with a child, an adult, a lover, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, friend, coworker, boss. It is about seeing how does this person affect me.

The recovery and freedom lies solely on ourselves, not on the other person to change their behavior. WE must change ours. Now you may be reading this and claiming that you do not have a problem, that their is no way that you could define yourself with such a label. I get it. I struggled for years, to label myself this way but once I did I was able to see through my patterns of toxicity in my relationships. I was able to break myself from the constant caretaking, abandonment of self, and over-giving nature that I had come to believe was necessary to be accepted or loved. I would walk into a room and feel others emotions, and if they were angry, I would take on what they were feeling and carry it as my own burden. I would think I had to solve everyone issues, and if I didn’t that I was failing at being a friend or a spouse. I would run myself ragged trying to just make sure everyone else was happy, pleased, and comfortable while sacrificing my own happiness and comfort.

What I ended up with was a lack of sense of self, and pure exhaustion.

It's natural to want to protect and help the people we care about, and to respond to the challenges faced by our loved ones. However, when these problems become more serious and remain unsolved, we tend to become increasingly affected and react more intensely. In our desperation to fix things, we might try various methods to solve their problems for them. This pattern can become habitual and self-destructive. The more we attempt to solve the problems of those who are damaging themselves or us, the more we harm ourselves in the process.

These habits can trap us in destructive relationships that don't work. Such behaviors can sabotage our relationships and prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives—ourselves.

Before breaking free from codependency, it’s essential to recognize its signs. Here are some common indicators:

1. Low Self-Esteem:

   • Constantly seeking validation and approval from others.

   • Feeling unworthy or inadequate without external affirmation.

2. People-Pleasing:

   • Difficulty saying no and setting boundaries.

   • Prioritizing others' needs over your own to avoid conflict or rejection.

3. Caretaking:

   • Taking on the role of caretaker or rescuer in relationships. ( this is a huge one for most)

   • Feeling responsible for others' happiness and well-being.

4. Fear of Abandonment:

   • Intense fear of being alone or rejected.

   • Clinging to unhealthy relationships to avoid abandonment.

5. Lack of Boundaries:

   • Difficulty maintaining personal boundaries and respecting others'.

   • Allowing others to dictate your actions and feelings.

6. Emotional Dependency:

   • Relying on others for emotional stability and happiness.

   • Feeling anxious or lost without constant reassurance.

Which ones stood out to you? I am so passionate on helping you identify the signs in yourself, so that you can heal from these reactions and take more control over your own well being. This allows you to truly thrive, rather than base your life off of others. There is so much freedom on the others side of breaking free from patterns that no longer serve you.

~You cannot end codependency if you are not willing to take a look at yourself

As always, thank you for being here with me,