I would often get the question asked to me after I left my abusive relationship, “ why would you ever stay?” I wish I could say that I had left right after the first incident of violence, but I didn’t. In fact, it took me 16 years to realize that this is NOT love and I need to break free.

It is often the story of many survivors of domestic violence, because deep down we know we shouldn’t allow this behavior but we make excuses for our abuser. After all, they are genius at making it out to be our fault that they resorted to violence during a fight, and we are manipulated in believing it. The cycle of this abuse becomes normal, and the victim becomes addicted to the abuser. I found myself chasing his love and acceptance, and the need to make him happy again.

Why did I even get trapped into a domestic violence relationship?

Simply put, I didn’t know any different. It was familiar to me. I grew up around dysfunctional relationships, and my own father was abusive. While he never hit my mother in front of me, there were times he lost his control with me. I thought that anger, rage, and losing control were commonplace in relationships. I thought that this behavior must mean love, and it is why I allowed it in my own relationship.

I also thought that I was capable of fixing him, and changing him. I believed that if I just loved him hard enough, that he would be the man I needed him to be. So I stayed out of comfort, and fear immobilized me from getting out because I didn’t know if I was capable of doing it. My self worth had dwindled down to almost nothing after years of abuse, and I believed the lies I was told that I weak.

If you or anyone you know is in a domestic violence relationship know that everyone has their own reasons for staying. There is no judgement, because it is about survival for many. Many stay out of fear, some stay for the kids, and others may feel there is no escape because of finances.

While the specific circumstances can vary from person to person, here are some common factors that may contribute to why women stay:

1. Fear for personal safety: Many women in abusive relationships fear that leaving the relationship may escalate the violence or endanger their lives. The abuser may have threatened severe consequences if they try to leave, making it difficult for the victim to take action.

2. Financial dependence: Economic factors can play a significant role. Women who are financially dependent on their abusers may feel trapped and unable to support themselves and their children if they leave. Limited access to financial resources and job opportunities can make it challenging to establish independence.

3. Emotional attachment and hope for change: Despite the abuse, women may still have emotional attachments to their partners and may hold onto the hope that the abuser will change. They may believe that if they stay, things will improve or return to how they were during the early stages of the relationship.

4. Isolation and lack of support: Abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, and support networks. This can make it harder for women to seek help or find the necessary support to leave the abusive relationship. Feelings of shame, guilt, and a sense of failure may further discourage them from reaching out.

5. Cultural and societal factors: Societal norms and cultural beliefs can exert a powerful influence on women's decisions to stay in abusive relationships. Factors such as societal pressure to maintain the appearance of a stable relationship, cultural expectations of women's submission, and beliefs that divorce or separation are unacceptable may contribute to their decision to stay.

6. Low self-esteem and self-blame: Abusers often manipulate and control their victims, leading them to doubt their own worth and agency. Women may blame themselves for the abuse or believe that they deserve it, making it harder for them to leave the relationship.

When fear is involved it can be debilitating, and it truly is why so many stay because it is difficult to overcome. There are resources available if you do not have a support system, and if you feel trapped in this type of relationship don’t hesitate to try and gain the support from others who have been in the same or similar circumstances.

How do you begin to break free?

Breaking free from an abusive relationship is a difficult and courageous decision. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, here are some steps that can help:

1. Prioritize your safety: Your safety should be the top priority. Create a safety plan that includes steps to protect yourself in case of an emergency. This may involve having a bag packed with essentials, identifying safe places to go, and establishing a code word or signal with trusted friends or family members.

2. Reach out for support: Connect with trusted friends, family members, or helpline organizations that specialize in supporting individuals experiencing domestic violence. Share your situation with them and seek their assistance and emotional support. They can help you navigate the process of leaving and connect you with resources.

3. Seek professional help: Consult with professionals who specialize in domestic violence, such as counselors, therapists, or social workers. They can provide guidance, support, and help you develop a personalized plan for leaving the abusive relationship.

4. Document evidence of abuse: Keep a record of incidents of abuse, including dates, descriptions, and any visible injuries. This documentation can be useful for legal purposes, obtaining protection orders, or seeking support from law enforcement.

5. Develop a financial plan: If possible, work on establishing financial independence or securing access to financial resources. This may involve saving money, seeking employment opportunities, or consulting with financial advisors or organizations that provide support to survivors of domestic violence.

6. Obtain legal protection: Consult with legal professionals who can guide you through the process of obtaining protection orders or restraining orders against the abuser. These legal measures can help ensure your safety and provide legal recourse if necessary.

7. Create a support network: Surround yourself with a strong support network of friends, family, or support groups for survivors of domestic violence. These individuals can provide emotional support, assistance, and help you stay focused on your goal of breaking free from the abusive relationship.

8. Develop a comprehensive exit plan: Plan your exit carefully and consider all aspects, including where you will go, how you will leave safely, and how to protect your children, if applicable. Having a detailed plan in place can help you feel more prepared and increase your chances of successfully leaving the abusive relationship.

The key here is to always be one step ahead of your abuser. A strategic plan, and support will lead to success in doing this the best way possible. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. If you need help or you know someone who does here are some great resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline ~ https://www.thehotline.org/

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES

As always, thank you for being here with me~