Codependency Patterns: Learn How to See Them More Clearly in Yourself

What is codependency? Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, as well as other family members.

In unhealthy codependent relationships, the “giver” tends to be overly responsible, making excuses for the “taker” and taking over their obligations. Givers are self-critical and often perfectionistic. Fixing or rescuing others makes them feel needed. They focus so much on pleasing others that they neglect their own wants and needs. Givers generally have low self-esteem, find it hard to set boundaries and be assertive, and struggle with asking for help when they need it. Takers are often struggling with serious issues, such as emotional immaturity, mental health problems, and addiction. The takers usually are the abusers or narcissistic ones in the relationship dynamic.

In order to see the patterns in yourself, it requires a new self awareness that you haven’t understood quite yet. We operate our lives, the majority of the time, from our beliefs, perceptions, and conditioning that were created early, during our most formative years in childhood. This may be a new concept to you, and if it is allow yourself to be open to understanding yourself on a deeper level. So much of our life we put our attention on the physical things, and we don’t take the time to focus on what’s really controlling our life.

Codependency patterns and behaviors begin early in life, through the environment we grow up in. If we had a dysfunctional family, emotionally absent parents, abuse, or childhood trauma, these things can create deeper wounds that are not visible to the eye, but these wounds are very present in the mind and body. While you grow, these imprints stay with you and become how you operate as an adult.

It’s why we adapt to having these codependent habits and behaviors. This has become our normal since childhood.. so why wouldn’t we continue to carry that with us? If we don’t learn anything different, we are going to keep doing what we know. It’s just the reality of life.

It is one of the largest reasons why we can fall into unhealthy relationship dynamics, and be completely unaware that it’s even happening.

Codependency in relationships will keep you living your life from the place of your wounded inner child, that little girl or boy that is seeking the attachment you never received from your mother or father, in adult relationships with others...and with anyone that you can gain this validation from. You seek approval or love, or validation from any outside source other than yourself. Simply, the truth of codependency patterns.

Codependency in your everyday life will be why you feel stuck, demotivated, and in fear of taking risks. You will minimize your talents, innate gifts, and value. You will play it safe, minimize your dreams, and live with your nose barely above the water line, all while obsessing about how you might be of value to others. You will forever be chasing the love or approval of someone in your life, whether thats your parent, partner, friend, or boss.

So, if you have read this far you are asking, how do I see and change these patterns for myself?

1) Instead of denying your own needs, prioritize self-care. As the healing codependent, I constantly put the needs of others first, so much so that I thought that they wouldn’t be able to make it without me. It was an unhealthy obsession, and caused me unhappiness and low self worth.

When we do this, we’re likely to get sick, irritable, resentful, impatient, disconnected from ourselves, and possibly depressed and anxious. Recognize when you are putting everyone else first and depleting yourself.

We need to create balance in our lives by meeting our own needs first and giving to others when we’re able to do so without sacrificing our own wellbeing.

2) Instead of compulsively trying to fix or take care of others, let others make their own choices. Codependents tend to have big hearts; we care a lot and don’t like to see people suffer, but we also tend to be controlling. We need to remember that we can’t control others; we can’t make them change or get help, even when we have their best interest at heart. And often, trying to force our solutions on people, only makes things worse. Instead, we need to focus on taking care of ourselves and allowing others to make their own choices and deal with the consequences.

So when you see yourself trying to be the fixer or the rescuer, recognize this in yourself and take a moment to see how you can set a boundary and not enmesh yourself in others lives in an unhealthy way.

3) Instead of seeking approval from others, value yourself. Codependents tend to look to others for validation and approval. When we do this, we give our power away; we allow others to determine our worth instead of deciding for ourselves. We can build our self-esteem and learn to love and value ourselves by noticing our strengths, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, and most importantly, remembering that love doesn’t have to be earned; we are all inherently worthy and important.

Recognize when you are seeking approval from others and you are desperate for another’s validation that you are enough or worthy. Take a step back and say to yourself, how can I give myself my own approval and remove the need for anyone else? This is a practice, and you won’t show up perfectly the first time or even the 100th time. You are unlearning old patterns, so it takes some time for it stick and really become a part of you.

Taking ownership and becoming accountable for your life isn’t easy, but it’s always worth it. You are the creator of your life, so if you don’t like who you are or what your life looks like, only you can save yourself.

As always thank you for being here with me,