How I Broke Free From My Own Narcissistic Abusive Relationships

I currently speak on many platforms about my personal story, but I felt it best be shared here as well with all of you. I don’t realize how vulnerable it can make me feel at times with sharing my story, but I do know that if I don’t, I can’t keep helping more of you who have your own stories to tell.

I didn’t understand that the reason why I was surrounded by toxic relationships, was simply because I was raised in a toxic environment. My father was a narcissistically abusive man, and as long as I stayed in line with what he expected of me I was in his good graces, but the minute I had a mind of my own I was discarded.

I grew up never feeling like I was enough, and strived for perfection because this is what I felt was expected of me to be loved and accepted.

I continued this toxic cycle, by choosing a man that was narcissistically abusive and stayed with him for almost 17 years. I didn’t realize that I was trapped in these cycles, because I thought this is what love was. I was used to the highs and lows, the emotional rollercoaster so it was all I knew. In fact, if you would have asked me what a narcissist was, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you.

I was blinded by the fact that I just needed to keep going, keep fighting for his love and acceptance. I was willing to sacrifice myself and my happiness in order to chase what I hoped for, and that was him to change. I thought if I just did my job right as a partner, that eventually he would see I was worthy.

I did the same thing with my father. I was always chasing for his acceptance, and his love. There were times I felt that I had it, but it was all an illusion. It’s impossible to be truly loved by a narcissist. They are incapable of showing real love. Everything is on THEIR terms, and there are always rules you have to abide by.

I had chased this love and acceptance for so long, one day I awakened to the fact that something wasn’t right and I was determined to find out.

The day that my ex husband held a knife to my throat, I finally realized that I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I realized who he really was, and I was no longer blinded by the illusion of what I had built him up to be. You see as the victim, we tend to idealize our partner, make them grander than they really are, because this is how we choose to see them to survive. If we actually saw how unloving, and hurtful they are we wouldn’t be able to cope. It wouldn’t make sense to us. So, we forget all the abuse and pain, because it’s traumatic. Our minds can’t cope with the reality of what is really happening, it’s trying to protect us.

I had lived like this for so long, that this was my normal. I slowly began to unravel a lifetime of abuse, and see how I had been living in pure survival mode. I was depleted, depressed, anxiety ridden, and hopeless.

As difficult as it was I chose to walk away once and for all. It was agonizing, and devastating but looking back I wouldn’t change it. I thought that pain equaled love. I thought that self sacrifice meant I would be loved. I realized quickly that everything that I thought was real love wasn’t love at all.

I even saw the truth of how my father treated me, and chose to walk away from that relationship as well. As much as it pained me, I knew that I would never receive his acceptance. It was time to emotionally protect myself.

I also realized quickly that everything that I had allowed was because I hadn’t ever loved myself enough to realize I was worthy of so much more.

So, how do you break free from your own abusive/toxic relationship? Or perhaps you are not aware of that is what you are even a part of….

Either way, you choose one day to listen to your own intuition. If, you feel something isn’t right about a relationship, it may be time to dig deeper.

Or you may just be done with the sadness, or constant chase to be loved. Or the same repetitive fights, and no change ever happens.

You may just finally say one day, I choose to no longer live like this.

I choose me.

I choose happiness.

I choose a better life, even if you can’t see what that looks like in the moment. Just knowing that there is more to what you have been surviving, or just staying in because of fear.

That is what I hope for each and every one of you that may feel you are in an unhealthy environment. You don’t deserve to live in fear, you don’t deserve to feel trapped, and you DEFINITELY deserve to know what real love feels like.

As always thank you for being here with me,