Signs of A Trauma Bond
Put quite simply, a trauma bond is an emotional rollercoaster relationship. One minute you’re up at the top and you think this is freaking amazing, and the next you are plummeting to the bottom wondering why the hell you even got on this roller coaster. And when you are in a rollercoaster relationship you are not even aware (usually) that your partner is an abuser.
It’s not your fault, you can’t control this type of attachment. Our brains are wired through our fight or flight response to get through traumatic experiences (like an incident of abuse) by seeking comfort and sometimes, yes, that is from the very person who has harmed us.
A trauma bond doesn’t just mean that you are getting physically hurt, it can also manifest emotionally and psychologically. It’s a cycle of manipulation, control, and intermittent reinforcement that keeps you tethered to someone, even when they hurt you. It can look like:
Gaslighting that makes you doubt your reality.
Love-bombing followed by withdrawal, leaving you chasing their affection.
Emotional blackmail, where guilt and fear are used to keep you compliant.
Feeling responsible for their happiness while neglecting your own needs.
Trauma bonds are rooted in the highs and lows of the relationship, creating an addictive pattern of hope and despair. But I want you to get of this rollercoaster, and identify the signs you may be a current trauma bonded relationship. This means more than just romantic relationships as well, so take note of that.
So here are the signs you may be in a trauma bond yourself:
You Feel Stuck in the Relationship:
Despite the harm it causes, you feel unable to leave, as if you’re emotionally or physically tethered to the other person. It can feel impossible.
You Justify Their Hurtful Behavior:
You make excuses for their actions, believing they’ll change or that their behavior is somehow your fault.
You Crave the “Good Moments”:
The relationship has extreme highs and lows, and you find yourself clinging to the occasional loving or kind moments, hoping they’ll return.
You Feel Guilt or Fear About Leaving:
You’re consumed by guilt, fear, or even shame at the thought of ending the relationship, worrying about how it will affect them or others.
You Walk on Eggshells:
You are constantly afraid of upsetting them, trying to avoid triggering anger, manipulation, or withdrawal.
Your Self-Worth Has Diminished:
You feel like you’re not enough or that you deserve the treatment you’re receiving.
You Feel Responsible for Their Emotions:
You take on the burden of their happiness, trying to fix their problems while neglecting your own needs.
You Keep the Relationship Secret:
You hide the truth about the relationship from friends or family because you’re afraid of judgment or intervention.
You Doubt Your Reality:
Gaslighting leaves you questioning your memories, feelings, and perceptions, making you rely more on their version of events.
You Can’t Imagine Life Without Them:
Even if the relationship is harmful, the idea of being without them feels unbearable or impossible. There will be a part of you that knows whats best, but another part of you that clings to them.
What stands out to you here? Don’t ignore the signs—you could stay stuck for years and lose precious time. Take it from someone who ignored her intuition for 17 years, holding onto the hope that things would one day change. I can say with 99.9% certainty: if things haven’t changed in years, they likely never will. One day, you’ll wake up and wonder what you’ve been doing with your life. Don’t wait for that moment—trust your intuition and take action now.
As always, thank you for being here with me.
