The Struggle of Never Feeling Enough

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do it’s never good enough?

Or maybe it is someone who makes you feel like you aren’t enough?

I was triggered the other day, and my significant other simply just said that I wasn’t trying at something. He didn’t mean it harshly, nor did he mean it to hurt my feelings like it did. Yet, it cut me deeply.

I was crushed.

He was looking at something bigger picture, simply trying to explain to me that I had so many other options in that moment and not to give up. He was only trying to help, but I took it as an insult. I became defensive. As a trauma survivor I often can get tunnel vision and only see things through a narrow minded lens of perception. I can’t see the bigger picture when I am overwhelmed or stressed in the moment. I can only feel the stress, and that there is no way out other than to give up.

So, I dug deeper. The reason I was crushed was because the moment he told me that I wasn’t trying, it hit a core wound.

The core wound and story that I have felt since I was a young child, I AM NOT ENOUGH. I will never be enough.

I couldn’t feel anything but that wound, and felt overwhelmed with sadness. Defeat. In that moment, I was feeling that emotion based off of the past, it wasn’t the present. My partner by no means looks at me like that, nor did he mean the ill intent that my brain managed to believe it did.

So, I had to sit with this. I had to come back to the present moment, and remind myself I am not my past.

The purpose of me sharing my experience with you is so that you can see how we can struggle with these core wounds and beliefs from the past and how they can show up in our current adult life. These core wounds ALWAYS show up in our relationships. The triggers we feel in relationship, have something connected to them from the past. Often we ignore them, or we tend to blame our partner but if we are in healthy partnership these triggers and our reactions can be an indicator of where we need healing.

How do we heal these you may ask?

Well, first give yourself grace. I am skilled and trained trauma coach, and therapist and am still in the midst of healing them myself. We are all on this journey called life, and the growth process is first having the awareness of our core wounds. When we can identify them, we can begin to understand ourself more deeply.

Core wounds. Perhaps you have never heard of such a term, but chances are, you have dealt with them in some way. A core wound is a deep emotional wound, most often formed from suppressed pain and emotions internalized from a significant event, usually in childhood. This pain will likely grow and create a belief system about the self, often leading to compensating behaviors to manage the pain.

Some examples of core wounds include:

I am not enough

I am defective

I don’t measure up

I am helpless/powerless

I am unworthy

I am unloved

I am incapable

I am undesirable

I am unforgivable

I am unknown

My life is insignificant

I am a mistake

I am a disappointment

So why is it important to explore core wounds? Core wounds, along with other factors such as genetic predispositions, can lead to a variety of issues. Some of these issues are compensating behaviors used to unhealthily manage the core wound, others are a reaction. These can include stress, anxiety, panic, depression, grief, self-harm, emotional eating, eating disorders, alcoholism, drug abuse, other addictions, and many other disorders and behaviors. Core wounds also usually affect attachment, so relationships can be jeopardized. The core wound causes disconnection with self and others when triggered.

As you can see from my own experience, if I wasn’t aware of my core wound I could have been angry with my partner. I could have closed myself off to him and harmed our connection. Over time this could hurt our relationship further and cause greater pain.

If we have core wounds it can also keep us trapped in abusive, toxic relationships. If we believe that we are not enough, we won’t believe that we deserve more.

“ There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds” ~ Laura K. Hamiliton

Gain awareness over your core wounds, to free yourself from the past and know you are already enough. You are worthy.

As always, thank you for being here with me,