Are You Afraid Of Rejection?
Rejection, such a dirty, yucky word. It makes us feel so badly about ourselves. Yet, we can find rejection in every day life. It can happen in small things, like being rejected for an idea we have at work. Or it can happen in big ways, like being rejected from a spouse or partner. Either way it effects us on a deeper level.
I have always known that I have a fear of rejection, but I uncovered a different layer of it recently. I have written my own memoir, a book that took me a total of 4 years to finish. I started it and wrote it while I was in my deepest darkness of processing my life. I feel like it’s part of my lifes work, and I have cried so many tears writing it. I have this really big dream of getting it traditionally published, because that is what I believed would make me officially a successful author. I have been reaching out to agents for 5 months, and I have only been getting rejection letters. Each time I get sent one, I feel deflated, defeated, and quite honestly not enough. Being rejected hurts, and it made me go into all the old stories of I must not be enough, and that my story doesn’t matter.
So I knew this meant that I needed to investigate. When I am being triggered by something happening, and all the old feelings rise to the surface I just have to get curious. Sure enough, I discovered this rejection wound began all the way back in childhood.
First, being rejected by my father. Being rejected by God, or what I perceived happened because I wasn’t doing his will or abiding by his law. Being rejected by friends, because I was a rebel and didn’t want to conform to the rules of the religion. Rejection from a spouse, because I was cheated on and then later told that he no longer loved me. Rejection from a whole religious community, and family because I no longer believed what they believed. When I really began to look at all of it, it seemed I had been surrounded by constant rejection.
I wanted to scream, why me? So much rejection for one life time. Almost, too much to handle when you really face it. So I had to choose to feel it. That little girl inside of me, she was just so afraid to be rejected again. So every rejection letter that I received felt like a million little stings from the past, just haunting me.
At the core of the rejection wound is a belief that the person is inherently unworthy of love or acceptance. This feeling of unworthiness can become ingrained and lead to a pervasive fear of being rejected again, which influences your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships.
People with a rejection wound often develop a heightened fear of rejection, which can make them overly sensitive to perceived slights or dismissals. This fear may cause them to avoid intimacy or meaningful connections, out of a fear that they will be hurt or abandoned again.
This is me, deep in my core just terrified of being rejected again. So there is a part of me trying to control everything outside of me to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. That part of me, is the part that asks her boyfriend if he loves her sometimes more often than she should. That part needs constant validation and reassurance that he does, because that part is so afraid that he will say no. That would feel like the past will be happening all over again, which means that I will be rejected and abandoned and left alone. So, of course this part of me is just trying to find it’s certainty any where it can, so it doesn’t have to feel this pain again.
I tell you these stories of my own experience so you can begin to witness yourself in them. What you see in me or judge about me, is within you. It’s to trigger where you still feel pain, and where you may still need to heal.
So, how is your fear of rejection holding you back?
Outside of your conscious awareness this wound runs the show, and it creates your behaviors and actions accordingly to it. It makes you either run towards pain, or away from pain. Meaning that if you desperately are afraid of rejection, then you will stay in relationships or friendships that hurt you, because you rather deal with that the feeling than being alone. You will choose to self sacrifice or abandon yourself time and time again, because you rather be the martyr than feel the pain of being tossed to the side. If you run away from pain of being rejected, you may stop yourself from speaking your truth out of fear that you will be judged or not liked. You may avoid real and true intimacy, and only get as close as you have too but keep them at a distance to protect your guarded heart.
Healing from a rejection wound requires conscious effort to rebuild self-worth, self-compassion, and acceptance. The first step is self-awareness, which involves recognizing the presence of the wound, understanding how it impacts your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and identifying patterns that stem from it. Here’s how you can approach this step-by-step:
Acknowledge the Existence of the Wound
Reflect on Past Experiences: Begin by reflecting on situations where you’ve felt deeply hurt, rejected, or abandoned. These could be moments from childhood, relationships, friendships, or even professional settings. Write down or mentally revisit specific instances where rejection left a lasting emotional impact on you.
Recognize Patterns: Notice if there are recurring patterns in your thoughts or behaviors, such as fear of rejection, people-pleasing tendencies, avoidance of intimacy, or a heightened sensitivity to criticism. These are often indicators of a rejection wound.
Be Honest with Yourself: Acknowledging the wound can feel uncomfortable or even painful, but it is important to be honest about the fact that rejection has shaped certain aspects of your self-esteem or the way you approach relationships.
2. Understand How the Wound Influences Your Thoughts
Examine Negative Self-Talk: Pay attention to the critical or negative thoughts you have about yourself, especially in situations involving others. You might find yourself thinking, "I’m not good enough," "They won’t like me," or "I don’t deserve love." These thoughts often stem from the core belief of unworthiness tied to the rejection wound.
Track Your Triggers: Identify specific situations or interactions that trigger feelings of rejection or unworthiness. For example, do you feel anxious when someone cancels plans with you, or do you feel deeply hurt by minor criticisms? Recognizing these triggers can help you see how the rejection wound influences your reactions.
Observe Your Behavior: Notice how you behave when you’re afraid of being rejected. Do you avoid getting too close to people? Do you suppress your own needs to please others? Do you withdraw emotionally when you feel vulnerable? These behaviors are often protective mechanisms to avoid further hurt.
3. Journal Your Thoughts and Feelings
Daily Reflection: Start a journaling practice where you reflect on your interactions, thoughts, and feelings. Write down any instances where you noticed feelings of rejection or inadequacy. Journaling can help you make connections between your emotions and past experiences, bringing deeper clarity to how the wound affects you.
Self-Inquiry: Ask yourself questions like:
"What am I afraid will happen if I’m rejected?"
"When did I first start feeling this way about myself?"
"What do I believe about myself in moments of rejection?"
This process of inquiry can help you uncover the deeper beliefs and fears tied to the rejection wound.
4. Reframe Negative Thoughts
Challenge Limiting Beliefs: Once you’ve identified the negative thoughts associated with the rejection wound, actively challenge them. For example, if you often think, "I’m not good enough," ask yourself, "Is this really true? What evidence do I have that contradicts this belief?"
Practice Positive Affirmations: Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations that affirm your self-worth. Statements like "I am worthy of love and acceptance," "Rejection does not define my value," or "I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect" can help you shift your internal narrative.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Be Kind to Yourself: Understand that the rejection wound is a part of being human and that many people experience feelings of unworthiness or fear of rejection. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend.
Acknowledge Your Emotions: Instead of suppressing feelings of hurt or rejection, allow yourself to fully experience and acknowledge them. Recognize that these feelings are valid, even if they stem from past wounds.
Forgive Yourself: If you’ve engaged in self-sabotaging behaviors or struggled with relationships due to your rejection wound, practice self-forgiveness. Understand that you’ve been doing your best with the tools you had at the time.
6. Monitor Your Progress
Set Personal Goals: As you become more self-aware, set goals to change specific behaviors or thought patterns. For example, if you notice you tend to avoid intimacy, you might set a goal to open up more emotionally in a safe relationship.
Track Changes: Pay attention to how your reactions to rejection change over time. You might notice that situations that used to trigger deep emotional pain now trigger more manageable emotions or that you’re able to set healthier boundaries in relationships.
Of course, with things like this you can choose to do it alone, or you can go a bit faster and have support. I always recommend having the support, because these things are difficult to work through at times. Real healing begins when we can connect with others, and be seen and witnessed in our pain.
I always write these blogs intuitively, whatever is happening for me in my own life, I know is happening for all of you to discover as well. I do know this, that when I recieve the rejection letter the next time, instead of letting it make me feel defeated I am going to make the conscious effort to know that this rejection isn’t about me and my story. That I am enough, and sharing my story is important. Eventually, someone will find my story interesting and want to be a part of getting it out to the world. Until then, I will just keep writing, and stay patient until it is time.
Thanks again for being here with me,
